Where Can I Go To Be Me?
[SUBTITLE: Irritated, Annoyed, and Embarrassed]
Where Can I Go To Be Me?
Have you ever had that thought? Have you ever thought that you are just so freaking tired of not. being. you. that you think you’re going to explode? You keep thinking that with this certain group of people you have to ‘control’ you, keep you in – but with the next group you’ll be okay to just be you. (Like say you’re with you’re in-laws one day, but, the next day you’ll be with your daughter’s t-ball families – or something like that.) And yet, all you discover is that parts of you need to hush there, too….? Or maybe lots of you…..
And you keep thinking there is this magical, comfortable group with whom you can relax and be you …but ….you just can’t seem to find them? Sometimes you almost get there ….or sometimes you’ve experienced it in the past. But then you wonder, ‘Gosh, maybe they were just biting their lip at their disgust/shock/humor at the real you? Dang – maybe even that wasn’t real?’
Irritated, Annoyed, and Embarassed
I’ve spent a great portion of my life having the people around me irritated, annoyed, and embarrassed. And yep, you guessed it – that’s when the Real Lisa is around. I’m loud, I talk to strangers, I’m silly. Gosh – what else? Well – a multitude of things, really. Oh – you know, a big one is – related to that loud thing, I laugh really loudly. Can be hard to watch a movie with me, heh.
And you know what? Most of the time I’m okay with all of this. I’m okay with being different, with carving my own mold, with traveling my own road. It’s my thing. It’s what I do.
I often liken it to Jonathan Livingston Seagull. He had his own route to take, you know? (If you haven’t read it, you simply must. Really.) Though unlike Jonathan, I’m pretty sure I don’t have some big, earth-shattering thing to teach the world – or a crowd – or even you. But I know I’m learning from all of this myself.
The thing is – it’s hard. It’s hard work. It’s hard work being me. Hard work being Lisa Roberson. That’s a funny and a truth all rolled up into one.
Because see, sometimes the continued reactions of people can really get to you.
7th Grade – to Young Married Life – to Now, Living With Teenagers
- Back in the 7th grade, my friends and I would walk home from school by cutting through the houses. Street after street after street. And whenever we would see someone – a man in his garage, a woman working in her garden – I would say, “HI!” And my friends thought that was the funniest and weirdest thing. And then they eventually starting making fun of the way I would say it. They said I said it in some long, drawn-out, nasal sort of way, ‘haaaiiiii’.
- When I was a young married chick, my husband would always joke that he couldn’t even send me in to pay for gas, because, I’d usually strike up a conversation with the clerk. We’d know each other’s life stories by the time I came out of there. And this was often true.
- Multiple pizza places here in town and in the next town over have people standing on the street with signs, sometimes in costumes, and once even playing a guitar – drawing in business, waving at all the cars as they pass. I almost always wave back at these people as I pass by them. Geez louise, their job is to stand on the street and wave at people. Why not be happy and wave back? My kids think this is the most ridiculous thing, though. Sheesh.
- Arriving at McDonald’s, I noticed the poster on the window informed me that I’d missed out on the Tonka truck toys. I mean, I did get one of them, but dagnabbit, I wanted MORE! So anyhoo, we walk in and there are these two cute little guys, maybe around 8 years old, looking at the toy display. And both boys are all painted up for ‘their’ team. (Maybe Auburn?) They had polka dots on their faces and paint on their arms – they looked so cute. And if you are a Happy Meal freak like me, you know you have to squat down to see the boy toys, as they’re always on the bottom. So I asked the boys about their cool paint and squatted down to look at the toys with them. And I asked them if they got any of the Tonka trucks and how many and then I talked to them about the new race car toys that are pretty cool, I must admit. I’m just bummed to miss the Tonka toys. (I know I can get them on eBay and such, it’s just not as much fun that way.) And when I got up and rejoined my family, I was informed by one of my tall teenagers that I am the reason parents tell their little kids not to talk to strangers. Sheesh.
- And I suppose, just being a Happy Meal toy freak makes me kind of freaky. No, I’m not the collector in the collector sense. I like to enjoy them – you know, OUT of the package and such. And then set them on my desk for a while. And then put them on my bookshelf for a while. And some of them hit my ‘little kid toy bucket’ I keep in the coat closet for any darling little kids that come over. Some of them stay under my watchful eye, though, because I love them so much! Ha!
So What’s This All About?
Some of these goofy things I’ve shared with you are just a snapshot of my silly, goofy differentness. And sometimes I just get so frustrated and so lonely and scream in my head,
Where Can I Go To Be Me?
…and you know what? I think right where I’m at is where I’m supposed to be. In this family, with this family – not on some deserted island for someone as crazy as I, I mean…
And it’s all okay.
The thing is, you guys letting me spill all these words here just totally fixed me right back into my proper headspot.
So the fact of the matter is…..it can (and often is) hard to be me, but, I just can’t not be me, so I’m gonna be me.
Much love and GROOVY dreams,
The weekend before last, my boys were in the Calhoun County All County Band. This is a very cool opportunity to get to play with other musicians like themselves, who are really interested in learning and progressing. I’ve been told they learn in a weekend what would take two weeks or more in a regular band class. I kind of liken it to a ‘gifted class’ for band members. And my kids really enjoy doing it. Well, the boys do, that is. Sammie hasn’t done it yet, but, I’m going to really encourage her to do so next year! This is her first year playing with the high school band and she is just getting used to everything, so that’s cool. 
And this post is brought to you by 1800flowers.com. I’ve been doing some window shopping over there and having a blast picking out this and that and everydarnthing else! Since money has been rather tight around here the last year, I’m just having a blast choosing whatever I want to for everybody, pretending I can get whatever I want. Have you ever done that? At an ecommerce site – go there and just select whatever you want! Throw out that nagging worry in your chest, or gut – or wherever your worry manifests itself in your human vehicle and decide what you’d get for everyone! Dude, seriously – it’s so freeing and so much fun. I guess I could just be a dork that way. 
