I think I’ve got some rambling to do, as I am often wont to do, but, try not to do so too often on my blogs anymore. I’ve learned a lot of things about blogging and marketing and all of that important, official-type stuff and so I’ve tried to steer my blogs away from the rambling, stream-of-consciousness journal-type things that I started out with when I started blogging.

But not today.

I’m having a day. I’m having a morning. It’s not really even the day. This stuff has been brewing and brewing and like I said, I try not to spill brew on blogs so much anymore. And there are some things that need to just flow out of me onto the page. And that’s all there is to that. And I think this darling woman to my left just about perfectly matches my blend of eccentric awesomesauce!

Funny thing is, when I realized what I wanted the post title to be, I decided to put a video of ‘that guy’ saying his thing. And then I watched a one minute interview of him. And now some of the things I wanted to tell you trickled right out of my silly, next-to-worthless brain. But I guess that reminds me where to start my rambling. Hehe. So let’s get you started with Jeff Buffer saying his super cool, awesome line:

Now that you’ve experienced the awesome that is Jeff Buffer, ramble on, I say! And so I shall.

The brain. You know, the one that’s in my head. Or, supposedly is in there. Could quite possibly be cavernous in there for all we know. But if there is a brain, it is just not really working lately. Like – at all. And it’s so bumming me out. I’m noticing more and more issues that I’m having with brainpower and it’s bumming me out. It started a couple years ago with ….ACK!!!….vocabulary! Dude. So not cool. I have a few strengths, just a few, you know? And one of them has always been vocabulary and spelling and cockamammie bull like that! You seriously, for real, can’t take that away from me.

Universe thinking to itself: “Hmm…what is she good at? Ah, yes – vocabulary. Cool – let’s take that. Now she sucks at everything! Bwahahaha!” *rubs hands together, evil grin firmly planted on face*

(Wait – the Universe has a face?) Oh shut UP, would you?! You’re ruining my story. Dang. Anyway, just little things – steps, if you will – of brain function loss. You know how like you open a drawer and then as soon as it’s open you don’t know what you want in there? Ok, well, it’s that kind of thing. Only with my one claim to semi-expertise —> words. You know, grammar – vocabulary – word usage. Even what the hell you were going to say. Yesterday, I was trying to get some writing done for a client and I’d think of a great sentence and it would be, say, a two part or a three part sentence and by the time I’d thought of that uber super cool last part of the sentence, I couldn’t freaking fracking remember the FIRST PART ANYMORE!!! I’m not even kidding – I had to start writing sentences in pieces. I’d leave some room – write that cool ending part and try to re-think of parts one and two.

So here’s what I think. What little thinking I can get done, that is. I read not too long ago that people with chronic migraines actually suffer from brain damage. Ding ding ding! That’s me! Totally! And you know the part that really gets me???? I’m ‘dumber’ (brain-damaged) more now than when I was drinking and using drugs all the time. (Yes, I used to do that. Haven’t in a very, very long time.) So I’d pour all kinds of dumb things in my body – take this pill, smoke this, drink this – ad nauseum….and I still had quite a delightful command of the English language. Now I’m just slightly smarter than a box of rocks. Crazy, isn’t it? How, back then, I really didn’t care. It was like I almost had a death wish…and the possible consequences until death came a’knockin didn’t scare me or phase me one bit. Like, “Come on, Universe! Lemme have it! Let’s see what ya got!” And I came through, pretty much, mentally unscathed. And now here I am all these years later with migraines eating my brain. Bummer. Total bummer.

Wow – think I better cut out the rambling, as this is over 700 words and I might just keep ya’ll here for days if I don’t shut the hell up. I was gonna tell you that CANCER MOTHERFUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And ramble about that, but, that pretty much sums it up, I’d say.

And I was gonna tell you how some people shouldn’t be dead and how, because of THE INTERNET, I hope there is reincarnation! Because some of those people who shouldn’t be dead would ABSOLUTELY FREAKING LOVE THE INTERNET!!! It really floors me and drops my jaw how uberly much (most especially my Uncle Pat) would love it and SHOULD be here to partake of it!! And how Uncle Pat and I would totally take over the freaking internet! Fo sho! And a few others would really love it, too.

And I was gonna say that some things got me crying this morning and I really, really shouldn’t cry on Fridays, because, that’s football game halftime band show day and crying brings on migraines and we just cannot have that.

But, alas, I cannot. I’m just too damn mouthy.

Much love!

This is my official public service announcement to you: you should probably rethink things if you decide you want to follow a drunk driver. And there you have it, folks. Your official ‘Learn From Lisa’s Idiocy’ report. See how nice I am, sparing you from being as dumb as I? You’re welcome.

So now you wanna know what happened, huh? You want to hear all about my stupidity, huh? Alright, alright. I’ll tell ya all about it!

What Happened, Lisa?

The other night, I went to pick up my kids from the church where they hang out with the youth group and since Shawn is a new driver, he wanted to drive home. No problem. That is, until we are peacefully going down the road, in the right lane – and some doofus in the left lane comes into our lane by about a foot or so and so completely almost sideswipes us!!

Shawn handled it SO WELL! He carefully swerved over to the shoulder and then back again when doofus-brain was ahead of us. I tell him to slow down and cover the brake, because, I can see that doofus is not correcting himself very well and I’m pretty sure he’s going to hit someone ahead of us. Which he does – and then he takes off! And next thing you know he’s turning left onto a side road!

When he hit the people, I decided that I was going to have Shawn pull over with them, as we were the only witnesses, I was pretty sure. All the other cars were in front of us. But then the guy foils my plan and runs from the people! (Maybe he only has a San Diego DUI Lawyer and he just doesn’t have one out here in Alabama! Who knows!) But then I’m stuck with making a split-second decision – with my new driver driving. And man, I really felt on the spot. The guy’s turning down a side road – who knows what’s gonna happen next.

So What Did Happen Next?

At the last second, I decide to have Shawn follow them. I figured that the guy probably was not going to stop and we could get the victims to pull over and give them our information. I figured with a ‘hit and run’ they were really going to need a witness, you know? I tell Shawn just to hang back some, because, who knows what could happen, right? We see, though, that the drunk guy pulled over into a church parking lot and the victims pull in after him. So we drive on down there and pull over, as well.

And let me tell you, this guy was out of it!! It was nuts. He kept trying to change the whole story. He said that he hit the people right in front of his apartment on this side road – nope. On the highway, dude. He said he had two kids. Then he said he had three kids. And the guy didn’t have insurance or even a license. Been there done that already, with a DUI? Maybe…

The people that he hit were an elderly couple and they were as nice as could be and were really grateful that we had stopped. The police eventually came and did a field sobriety test on the guy, which he sorely failed, and cuffed him. They talked to all of us, getting all of the details of what happened and got our information and that was pretty much that.

So it all turned out okay. That is, until I told my hubby what happened.

Why In The Heck Did You Follow Them?!

I called hubby to tell him all about it, thinking it was a pretty exciting story. I mean, heck, Shawn doesn’t even have his license yet and he’s almost been hit by a drunk driver! And it’s always exciting when the police are involved, right? Well, if you’re not the one getting cuffed, anyway. But you know what? Mark got mad. Hrmph. What a way to spoil a girl’s fun!

He said, “Why in the hell did you follow them? What were you thinking? Are you crazy? You could have gotten shot. That could have been a gang member or some hillbilly with a gun! Why didn’t you just pull over where you were and call the police???”

Oh, duh. At that moment, you know, when I was deciding what to do (when the guy turned left) my brain told me I had two options. Follow so you can be a witness – or go home. It never even entered my mind to just pull over right there and call the police. Darn brain! Some help you are! I totally could have done that and still been helpful to those people – and not risked our lives by following God knows who, who is quite obviously drunk and committing a hit and run. Sheesh!

I swear sometimes my brain just wants me dead. It can really be no help at all! But at least you can benefit from it! Learn from my idiocy:

Don’t follow drunk drivers!!

I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t. There are two popular trends these days that are just eating away at my very soul. They might even be killing me. I might be dying right now, as we speak. Every time I see one of them, my nerves go on high alert and my skin crawls. It kind of feels like a horrible, horrible itch that you just cannot scratch. It’s painful, people – painful.

SINFUL TREND ONE

The first sin trend is the way that a lot of girls are choosing to wear their hair. Duuuuuuude. Can’t take it – just can’t take it.

Look, girls – listen up! It doesn’t look good on Donald Trump and it doesn’t look good on you! That’s right, people – I’m talking about….

The Combover!!

I was watching a show yesterday (Psychic Kids) and one of the young girls on the show was ….so ….drastically …combed over that it was crazy! She had this GIANT clump of hair just swappppped right over the top of her head! I was going crazy!

Now listen, I’ll give in and say that some girls can do the comb over sorta cute – and women often do an even better job. And hell – Marilyn Monroe‘s comb over was gorgeous! (But she could make a paper bag gorgeous!)

I dug around online for an image for this post and (shockingly) couldn’t find one. I did find this funny video though …I give you:

The Female Comb-Over

This sweet girl is going to show us all how to look like middle aged men – that is so super nice of her!

Too funny! Most of the girls I see are actually wearing their hair down, but, that was definitely close enough!

OMG, ya’ll! Noooo!! Even puppies are doing it! Comb Over Puppy Argggghhh!!

Poor little guy! Haha!

SINFUL TREND TWO

Now this next sin trend has me so off the wall bonkers that I can hardly see straight. I almost go into convulsions when I see it. I had to breathe into a paper bag yesterday afternoon at the college when I saw a young man embracing this abomination of a trend. It was touch and go there for a little while, people. You guys know what I’m going to say, don’t you? That’s right, folks, it’s ….

The Sagging Pants!!

For real, I can’t take it. I can’t. All I keep thinking about this one is that none of the trends in my day come even CLOSE to this in horribleness – there just is no way! I think about the things we would do (meaning my friends and I, my brothers were too smart for stupid trends!) and how they would get under my parents’ skin and I just laugh. I just laugh. There was a Guess miniskirt that was RIDONKULOUSLY too short, but, I have to admit – I’m not sure if my parents even knew that I had it. Surely they did – anyway, people have been wearing short skirts for a long time. And it was in my stoopid days. That skirt you could say maybe comes close. (Could be worse if you don’t sit properly! Ack!)

And then I think ‘and what about my parents’ day – and their “stupid” trends?’ – surely none of theirs were this bad either! There’s just no way. Sagging pants don’t even make sense – there is no logical explanation. There is no logical path the ‘trendsetters’ followed that led them to this nonsense. Is there? I mean, really – how could it have started? What were the originators doing? Thinking? Talking about?

So this one dude, Joe, lost a bunch of weight ….but was still wearing his old pants. They no longer fit. Obviously. He loved these pants, though – so he wore them anyway. His girlfriend said, “It’s so cool that I get to see your butt in broad daylight – in the middle of the city. What a treat.” And as they walked down the city streets, all the females they passed immediately turned and followed, their mouths agape – “This guy is hot!” “I can see his a$$!” “I want him!”

Is that how it happened? Are females who look at these exposed buttockses to blame for these ridiculous shenanigans?

Let me tell ya, it does get under my skin. It bugs me. I yell at my boys for even minimal sag. And that’s a lot, because, they are both quite thin. The other day at the college, though – that was it. That was the last straw. I was picking up the girls from tennis when three young men came out of the college gym. They were all in athletic clothes. One of the dudes was wearing athletic shorts – I guess they are basketball shorts, you know, those long-ish ones. I don’t remember what color the shorts were, but, I can sure tell you what color his UNDERWEAR was! His underwear was bright red. And on display. On display for the world. I just kept staring, because, I was completely shocked – this was the most ….um… how do you even say this? The most …extreme, I guess – version of ‘the sag’.

His shorts were down BELOW his butt – all the way underneath. I watched his butt cheeks go bouncing up and down and up and down as he walked away over to the apartments across the street. I could not stop watching. The girls got in the car and were laughing at me. Sammie said, “Mom, you’re so gross – you’re staring at some guy’s butt!” I was just so shocked that I couldn’t help it. It was almost like a ‘show’ he was putting on and everyone around was supposed to be staring at his bouncing red butt cheeks!!!!

See the dude in the middle there? That is just about EXACTLY what I saw walking down the street, in my sleepy little small town in the South. Below his butt cheeks!! Good gracious! I can only imagine what my grandmother would say! I can ‘hear’ her now carrying on in my head at the absurdity of it!

I found that picture on several blog posts from almost two years ago, when bloggers covered a story about Flint, Michigan trying to pass a law against this nonsense. I went to the Flint Police website to try to get a proper image for sharing and accreditation, but, I couldn’t find it. So I just linked it to the Flint Police site, if you’d like to go check it out. I also read that they are not the only city to attempt to pass a law on the subject. I’m unaware if any have succeeded. And I guess I would be torn about it, though at first I was cheering when I read about it earlier today. I’m just so fed up with seeing saggy pants that I was excited to read about the law stepping in. Now that I’ve had some time to cool down a bit, and have some ‘blog therapy’ ranting to ya’ll, I’m pretty sure I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

But let me tell you – I am darn sick of both of these horrible trends!!!!

I got this uber doober fantabulousmous ‘Merry Christmas’ text message from a girlfriend here in town. LOL!! It actually was one of those FWD’s – which usually drive me crazy – but, this one ….I loved! I was cracking up so hard! I got it one morning before school (or that’s when I noticed it) and the kids were wondering what had me cackling like a crazy woman! When I told them, Shawn grabbed my phone and forwarded it to some of his friends. And when I got my phone back – I even forwarded it to some people!!

I was thinking that was ‘redneck’ and I was gonna title this something like ‘Redneck Christmas’ or something or other, but, then I thought maybe it’s not redneck. Who knows. It’s just darn funny!

Buses? Yes, buses. On Sunday, three buses – school buses – were stolen from two Alabama schools! What on earth are you going to do with stolen school buses?? I hate to say it, but, independently of each other, my husband and I both said, “room additions”! Ha! It’s true, though – there are ACTUAL room additions on houses out here that are made out of school buses!

But wait! That’s not all! Heehee! It seems that last night we missed a totally killer episode of Mythbusters! They myth they worked to debunk was the one about a bus jumping a missing section of freeway in the movie “Speed”. I’ll provide you with a couple of the videos here, but, if you watch all of it – or were lucky enough to watch it last night – no spoilers, please! I haven’t watched it all! And I don’t have time right now, because, our Thursday night shows are about to start – Bones and Fringe.

You ready? Here goes….

Ha! Now dont b picking up strange fake lorettas!

Actually, maybe these are my favorite quotes of the month – or maybe even – of the YEAR! Seriously – I can’t stop laughing at either one of these!!

Ready? Here we go:

This first one is in reference to small town folks getting excited about something new in their town. Since I live in a small town now, this one just cracks me up!

You would have thought Jesus came and pooped in the town square!

And what made it even funnier was it wasn’t from one of my ..uh, shall we say? Mouthier friends….this was from someone who goes to church EVERY Sunday and doesn’t hardly ever cuss! Bwahahahaha!!

Moving on… OH. MY. GAWD. But I love this one! I can’t stop saying it over and over again in my head!

You could have heard a McNugget drop!

That’s me laughing! Yeah, that’s what I really looked like – only because, darnit John P – you made me laugh that hard! If ya’ll wanna hear the backstory on that one (which is a very good point, actually!!!) check it out here: Hey, How About NOT Being an A-Hole?

It’s true, I’m not even kidding! She started this uber cool cross stitch site eons and eons ago and it is one of the hottest stitchin’ sites online today! And the people over at Handmade News agree with me. They did an interview with Loretta and she is featured over there today.

All you have to do is click on this groovy screen cap to read all about Loretta and Stitching the Night Away!

Loretta’s been cross stitching since she was 8 years old! Cool! I don’t think I started crocheting until I was in my teens.

I need more coffee – I’ve only had one cup so far. Perhaps I’ll do better later. Ha!