Tepid With A Side Of Roach Please

This house. Oh, this house. I just got through telling you about the oh-so-loverly old kitchen appliances we have …and I go to take a shower and it is, yet again, tepid very quickly! This is a two story house with most of the house on the second floor. The garage is on the bottom floor and the water heater is in the garage. The kitchen sink is directly above the water heater – so you better be darn careful when you want to use hot water in the kitchen. We get scalded all. the. time.

Then you have the upstairs bathroom (well, there are two, but, one you can’t shower in – don’t get me started) and it is on the opposite end of the house from the kitchen. So the hot water heater is a good distance from the place where I would like some hot water to pour over my head and over my body and let me bask in its loveliness. So that loveliness doesn’t really happen. Unless, of course, you count the first forty-five seconds of the shower. (To be fair, it lasts a little longer than that, but, NOT MUCH! I am so not even kidding.

You cannot take a bath, because, by the time the bath would fill up – the water would be freezing cold. My daughter sometimes gives in and takes a bath in 2-3 inches of water, just because she really wants a bath. Oh boy, do I ever miss a good, hot bubble bath! (We’ve been here 3 1/2 years in this house.) So it’s a temperature problem, but, also a ‘water pressure’ problem. My husband tells me not to call it that, because, it’s not really water pressure. Very little water comes out very gently. I’m no plumber, but, I call that water pressure. And that is the main problem that the original owner, John, had so many plumbers out here for – and none of them could ever fix it.

So let’s get back to this afternoon, shall we? I’m in my shower – it’s hot at the moment – and I’m hurriedly shaving, because we all know what happens when you shave in cold water. So I always try to shave first. And quickly. And we all know what happens when you shave quickly! Yes – blood. Not a ton of it this time, thank goodness. A few weeks ago, I almost took off my entire ankle bone! Ouch! This time I’ve cut both knees, but, not very badly. Before I’m done shaving, and remember this is what I’ve done first, I lose the warmth in the water temperature.

I finished hacking up shaving my legs and I decide I need to really boogie, since it’s getting cold. I reach up for my rag that’s hanging on the towel bar in the shower…. (why in the hell do they put towel bars in showers???) ….I grab the rag and ….

OH MY GAWD! MOTHER FREAKER! @#$#@%#$%#**^%%F#!!!!!!!!

A damn roach falls off the rag – the little turd was sitting on my rag!!! Damn, ya’ll! You wanna talk about waking me up! Damn! I was screaming and cussing and carrying on!! Scared me half to death!

Now listen, I don’t do roaches. They’re out of my jurisdiction. Can’t handle it. I mean, I’m not exactly into killing anything, but, roaches – no, they can just go their own way. If Mark is home, I call him. Otherwise – they can just boogie on their way – outta my site. They’re creepy, ya’ll. They survived the dinosaurs. They crunch when you try to kill them. Then they stand up and put their dukes up for more. You throw ‘em down the toilet – and they come back up. The creep factor is just way too high here for me to deal with. Also, one time, I got down really close to one and watched it eat a Cheerio. He was holding it in both ‘hands’ and he made a little bite out of it – like you’d see a donut with a bite out of it. Call me a weirdo (everybody does – it’s ok) but, that sort of ‘humanized’ them to me. And damn, now I really can’t kill them. And picking them up and moving them is out of the question, too. I do that with a lot of bugs – just take ‘em right outside. Spiders and roaches – no! Why? Because they freaking RUN off the piece of paper or whatever you have them on!!! Creep factor, people.

So I’m in the shower trying to dance around this stoopid roach and just VERY QUICKLY finish my shower and every time it comes near me – I scream like those dumb girls on horror flicks. *oh the shame* So this is multiple screams, mucho, mucho swearing – and my kids don’t even blink. After quite a bit of it, my daughter does eventually come to the door and shout at me, “Mom, what is going on in there?!” It’s just so funny that they’re so used to my crazy weirdness (see? I told you everyone calls me weird) that it didn’t even faze them that Mom’s in the bathroom screaming and cussing like some hot coed about to be hacked by a ski-mask-wearing psycho. (hot coed – yeah, that’s me. I like that.) And no, Mother, I did not cuss in front of my children. That would imply that they were in the shower with me, and that’s just gross! *Lisa ducks and runs*

Cold shower with a roach! Boy, I’m living in the lap of luxury! Hahaha! I wish I was back at the Millenium Maxwell House Hotel in Nashville – remember I told you about those lovely, HOT showers I took there! That place ROCKED!

You know what the big bummer is here? We’ve only so far had ants in the house. Any roaches were in the garage. That’s Mark’s jurisdiction. I can live with that. Not a problem. And besides, he knows how (and can handle) getting rid of them. The minute that boy gets home, I’m going to whine like a baby that he get them out of my jurisdiction!