Whoa. You guys. How did this happen to me?

I’m old.

So old.

This contemplative, pensive, introspective, reflective mood of mine is all Kelly McCausey’s fault. Really. It is. I’m in the middle of listening to her WAHM Talk Radio show (You can tune in every Monday!) and when I heard her say “November 9th” …out loud ….I went **mental double take**. November 9th – what’s that?

Oooooh, yeah. Now I know. Now I remember.

NINETEEN YEARS AGO today, I got married the first time. Whoa. Stomach lurches up a bit. Wow, that was a long, long, long time ago. I’m sitting here just dumbfounded. It was my first marriage – the one that sadly didn’t last. And it has just thrown me for a loop this afternoon. I feel like I’ve sort of had the wind knocked out of me. And like I need to just sit ‘on the couch’ and mentally digest it all.

See, here’s the thing – I feel like I am but nineteen years old. So how on earth could I have gotten married nineteen years ago???

I mean, I really just feel like not much more than a kid myself. I haven’t gotten a whole lot right yet. I’m still a cluttered mess. And I’m hoping to one day soon figure things out and start acting like a real grown up.

I have done three very important (the most important) things right. I have been married – this time – for 16 years. I have three amazing and incredible teenage children. And I’ve been sober for almost 18 years. So don’t get me wrong – I’m not a complete loser. And those are most definitely very important things. And I could die today, happy that these wonderful things have transpired. For real.

But all that other stuff, what I like to call “earth stuff” – I really suck at it. You know, keeping track of things. Keeping the house clean. Consistency. Work ethic.

It’s not that I’m feeling like ‘oh I suck so bad’, just that ….like, I’m still ‘getting started’. I’m just ‘getting going’. I’m working on things. Things are coming around. You know, like a nineteen year old girl’s life would be. Well, now that makes me think I’m getting down on myself over things. But I’m not. It’s just put me in this really …introspective …ok, this is odd – but, grateful mood. I’m feeling really, really grateful.

I think I’d gotten myself into one of those fogs we allow ourselves to get in – you know the ones – where you can’t see the forest for the trees. And the fog lifted, as soon as I heard Kelly say “November 9th” out loud. And I think it pulled me out of those trees and let me see the forest. Wow – I’m not the struggling, just getting started chick. Lots of good stuff has happened and is in my life.

But still – damn! I feel OLD! (And my house is a mess. And I’m not making enough money yet.)

So on the one hand I’m grateful and overwhelmed by all the goodness that is – and on the other hand, I’m overwhelmed at how many years have actually gone by.

When my daughter came home from school, I really, really wanted to tell her something. I have no idea what. Every time my brain told my mouth to say “Honey,” ….I stopped. I didn’t know what it was I wanted to share with her, impart to her….. Weird how compelling that feeling was.

If a goofy girl like me can have some wisdom, I think maybe that is what it was. Realizing all these years have gone by, and I’ve lived ‘em. And I’ve done ok. I’m not living in the street. I’m not mooching off my folks. (Too much.) I’m not in jail. So maybe I’ve learned a thing or two. It must be all subconscious though, because, I sure couldn’t share it with her! I couldn’t get but one word of it to form – “Honey,”… Although, I’m sure if it were in my conscious brain, her 13 year old brain isn’t ready for it yet, anyway. Damn, it was such a strong feeling – I so intensely wanted to share it with her! It was a physical feeling – you know the kind?

Anyway – weird afternoon. I’ll go back to my goofy self now, I promise. And if any of you tell Mark that I used my name in the same sentence with the word ‘wisdom’ – I’ll kick your ask! He’ll completely laugh his ass off at me!! I’m watching ya’ll!

Photo credit: nickjohnson

(The photo I chose just cracked me up. The Universe is being funny again – I searched ‘old ladies’ and I got this building – which is the Graham Home for Old Ladies in Brooklyn, NY. My first husband’s name was Graham. Heh.)

((I do love the photo, though, and NYC is one of my favorite places. And if you check out Nick’s photos, he really has some interesting ones. The photo just after this one, in fact, is another really neat building.))

(((Oh – and if you click through to the flickr photo page, you can look at the giant version (original) and see the plaque on the wall from 1851 – very cool!)))