To be honest, it’s a small revelation. It’s nothing that’s going to help us all get along better with our teenagers. It’s nothing that is going to be printed in the next “Parent Your Teen” guidebook. No therapists – of teens or their moms (or dads) – are going to be helped by it. But it was a revelation that filled me with oozing joy. Oozing. Not kidding. Nope.

Here it is – are you ready? Ok, here it is:

Teenagers are four year olds on hormones.

Ha! Now stick with me here, k? Listen, it was the oddest thing to me, upon becoming a parent – that no one ever spoke of how horrible – EARTH-SHATTERINGLY HORRIBLE – the ‘fours’ were. No, all I ever heard of was the ‘Terrible Two’s’. And then my mother informed me that, ‘No honey – the ‘fours’ are much worse. Much, much worse.’

OMG. What was I in for? Was she crazy? Was her memory failing her?

And then we hit them. The HORRENDOUSLY HORRIBLE FOURS. Dear God in Heaven – someone call Mr. Calgon!

If anyone should have known about this ahead of time, it should’ve have been me. I was babysitting at the first moment I possibly could. I worked in daycare. I read up on child care. I dreamed non-stop about becoming a mother. If anyone should have been prepared – it should have been me. This seems to, however, be the deep dark secret of motherhood, of parenting.

“Don’t tell them or they’ll never, ever have children. No one ever, ever talk about it. Don’t print it in that parenting book. Shhhh!

And trust me, I can assure you that I’ve since learned that I did, indeed, give my mother HOLY HELL in that ‘lovely’ fourth year of mine. I knew I had had a really terrible year, but, I guess I just assumed it was my second year. And it was also kind of cloudy, because, I gave my mother lots of those kinds of years. I think maybe my brothers didn’t give her the Horrible Fours, though. And really, only one of my children had the truly Horrible Fours. So maybe that’s it, that’s why it’s kept so quiet – because, every now and then, it happens in a family, but, only with one child. Like a horrible demon from the sea, rears its ugly head and gnashes its terrible teeth. But we must never tell those who haven’t procreated – because they may just never do so, knowing it could happen to their family.

So then we come back to the teenagers. Ah, yes, the teenagers. I realized this morning, after a lovely weekend with The Migraine From Hell, and my three teens – that teenagers are simply four year olds with hormones. Seriously – think of your four year old – add some makeup and some cool music – and what do you have? Exactly! Now you’re beginning to see my point!

One of my teens told me this weekend, after being asked about homework – “I liked you better when you were sleeping.” And proceeded to close their bedroom door.

Four year old.

Hormones.

EDIT: Totally have to edit this to tell you about this cool new website by my friend, Dr. Daisy. If you’re on Twitter – I bet you know her! Anyway, she has started this awesome site called Retro Parenting. If you click on the button on the top or in the sidebar that says ‘Free Minicourse’ you will get these emails that will make you feel better! I promise!! I got one the other day that gave me validation on an incident I had with my 14 year old. Just a suggestion – I thought of this while I was getting dressed a little while ago, “Oh! I should totally tell them about Dr. Daisy’s new site!” So there ya go!